dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
