We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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