Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
