Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
