I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
