Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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