Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
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