whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
As shirtless as possible
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
