Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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