did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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