how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
