We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
