remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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