why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
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