My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
