Your face is a jimmy john
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
