She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
