you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
please don't ironically join a cult
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