Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
