3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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