Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
