I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
