On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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