I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
