are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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