why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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