May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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