I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
the day after is always just damage control
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
