Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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