me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
