Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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