the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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