if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
