i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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