If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
4 words: hood of his car
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
