she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
