you would pick up someone in the library
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
