Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
