The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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