haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
