I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
