Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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