I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My dad just said "fuck circus"
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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