Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
