he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
