So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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