just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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