i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
my being single is dangerous.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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