you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
