Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
