mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
