the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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