just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
